Weddings Suck. There’s no way around it. Unless you are a bride, or a groom, or their parents, weddings are a pain in the ass for most people involved.
Sure, the groomsmen get to throw a bachelor party, but since when do five guys really need an excuse to go to a strip club or get drunk and act stupid? But other than that one night and the reception where they try to score with the bridesmaids, it’s kind of a chore. The tux fittings and getting to and from and taking time off…
The bridesmaids have to spend a bunch of time getting fitted for overpriced ugly dresses they’ll wear once, then hope they don’t gain or lose weight and have to get the dresses refitted (they will), buy shower gifts, take time off from work, and try not to get so drunk at the reception that they end up getting scored with by groomsmen.
For other family members, it often means the same sort of thing. You have to drive or fly somewhere you might rather not be, take some of your limited time off from work, and sit through an often hot and boring ceremony, hoping it will be over soon. You hope there will be cake and adult beverages, if you are old enough, and you can maybe take in some sights the following day: if you aren’t forced into family time where everyone sits around and asks a bunch of questions that could just as easily be answered if they would bother to join Facebook or look at your blog. And, of course, they expect you to know about their lives’ minutiae, because after all, they send out the Christmas Brag Letter, as if you would actually spend twenty minutes reading that three page novel explanation of how well they are doing.
So when somebody mentioned having to go to a wedding on Facebook recently, I offered my condolences, and thus began a lively discussion about weddings and such, and we came to the conclusion that funerals are almost preferable. There are no new clothes to buy, no gifts to purchase, and if it’s in the south, you only have to prepare some sort of food dish that you probably have ingredients for, anyway. Add to that, the guest of honor doesn’t expect a whole lot, and they won’t be bragging about the ceremony or blathering on about it for months to come, or complaining about how badly it went. You also won’t be forced to watch the video of it at the five year anniversary during some family reunion you attend only so you’ll stay in the good graces of everyone involved.
So of course, Karma kicked me in the nads like a drunken bar patron. Scarcely three days later, I get an invitation in the mail. My cousin is getting married. I’m sick of going to weddings. My sister got married, I went. My stepsister got married, I went, my Sister in-law got married. Ditto. Friends, wife’s friends… etc. I don’t want to spend the weekend in uncomfortable clothes sitting in uncomfortable places, and awkwardly smiling and pretending to be having the time of my life, while someone I haven’t seen in ten years gets hitched to some guy I’ve NEVER met.
So I told my sister, who lives in the same town, I would be coming through town on my way to do something I enjoy. She seemed upset I would not be spending time at the wedding. Then she did the one thing I should have expected from her. She let my father know I was purposefully skipping out on the wedding. Thanks, I appreciated that…
Now the family is upset that I told the truth, that I would rather go walking in the woods or picking apples like a day laborer than sitting in a stuffy building watching two people I barely know profess their undying love to each other while dull music plays in the background. Honestly, I hope when my kid gets married she does it as Disney World or on a cruise. There will be lots of other stuff to look forward to besides the ceremony, and it should severely cut down on participants. After all, I don’t know too many people who would pay to go on a cruise just because someone they barely know is getting married. My wife says that we would have to pay for their tickets… I say we don’t HAVE to do anything… We provided the bride, our responsibility pretty much ends there. Everything else is gravy.